dropping the mask
Recently, I had a conversation with a client about her experience of dropping her I'm-in-charge-mask with her team. She joyfully reported that they all rose to the occasion when she asked for help problem-solving. In fact, she reported, they seemed to trust her more when she told the truth about what was going on in her organization than when she tried to gloss over obvious challenges with good cheer.
There is something remarkable about our game faces; there is something valuable about being able to suck it up and be a good sport and carry the load alone. We admire stoics, but constant stoicism veers into victimhood; a daily thin veneer of stoicism is pure exhausting fakery. Other people usually know it for what it is.
Years ago, when I was in college I had housemates who talked about their criteria for girlfriends. Some of those vigorous beer-fueled discussions have stayed with me and shaped my thinking for decades.* High on their list (granted, they were young straight guys, so I've long ago forgiven the slightly sexual overtones), was that they wanted someone who "looked good wet." When pressed, they explained they just wanted to be with someone who looked good without make-up, someone who looked just as good fresh out of the shower as she did going out to a party.
Artifice is lovely and useful, as long as we fully understand that it's artifice. I once had a boss tell me to go get a make-over (that was thinly veiled code for "start wearing make-up") and another, years later, tell me to "consider wearing lipstick," which wasn't coded at all. Make-up is fun and even useful. There's a reason that so much real estate is devoted to this department in major stores. But what happens when you take off all your makeup? At least metaphorically.
From a management perspective, we are trained to be in charge and, perhaps even more importantly, to look like we're in charge. Being vulnerable is perhaps the most terrifying position to be in while in the Boss (or parent or friend) Chair, but there is something valuable and useful about being able to share the load and partner in problem-solving.
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*Thanks, Chris and Darren, who went on to become busy family medical practitioners, for sharing their life-shaping list with me. It helped me stay out of the make-up wearing world and I like to think I'm recognizable, even when I do not wear lipstick, metaphorically and otherwise.
This post was ready to publish before Harvey blew through Houston, which doesn't look so good wet. If you're inclined--and please be inclined--support those folks in getting their lives back in order. Please think especially about vulnerable populations. Portlight Strategies helps people with disabilities, older adults, and their families recover after disasters. To help with something as commonsensical as diapers, check out The National Diaper Bank. To help animals, a Best Friends disaster response team is in place.
