how we impact others
I recently got absorbed by Doc Martin, a British television comedy drama about a socially awkward doctor in a small town. While there is a lot to recommend the show (including homely and interesting characters), this is not an official endorsement (as I also often found it frustrating and silly). In particular, one exchange really lingered with me. Someone instructs Dr. Ellingham, at a point when he is about to get married, "Don't ask if she will make you happy; instead ask if you will make her happy." Shades of that famous line from John F. Kennedy's inaugural address about asking not what your country can do for you, rather what you can do for your country, this suggests that it's worth thinking about our impact on others as a genuine measure of success. I often think about this issue on the way home because whether or not I get carsick during the commute depends on the bus driver. My favorite bus driver is smooth in his stops and gradual in his starts. He acts like he is delivering a carton of fragile eggs to a world class chef. I swear it doesn't take him any longer to make the trip than it does my least-favorite bus driver, who acts like she is the only one in the vehicle and the rest of us are just trailing along behind her like cans on string behind a car with a "just-married" sign on it. She jams on the brakes, pulls up to stops abruptly and launches out into traffic, all but shouting, "Cowabunga!" The only thing that keeps me from throwing up down her collar is imagining some vile thing happening to her, like she has to ride at the back of her own bus some time.
What do we use as a measure for our lives' success, if not how we impact other people?
Harville Hendricks is an influential marriage therapist who says "you must come to grips with the fact you are a person who affects others," a thought that can be unnerving and discomfiting. Sometimes I just hate that level of responsibility! But when I embrace and claim it, it shifts what I notice. There is an opportunity to be a positive force with every single person I encounter. I can change their lives for good, even in a very small way. It can be a cheerful greeting to the bus driver on the way to work (even the evil one), an attentive exchange with a colleague, or remembering someone's birthday in advance enough to actually send a card. None of this is difficult and the upside is worth the small effort, so toss this idea into the mix of your 2014 resolutions.
