the language(s) of love and work
Last week while facilitating a workshop, I said something surprising (even to me!): "I don't really believe in work-life balance, I think it's all life." Several people commented about this afterward, not in the spirit of criticism, but in contemplation. They were pondering how that could be true for them, as well.
Normally I write about work issues here and it's rare for me to write about love, but, given that I said "it's all life," I'm playing more with the notion that at least some of what applies in one area will apply to another. When it comes to love, I become a steely-eyed scientist, looking only for evidence and listening to the words as happy flourishes, not as true indicators. I'm the same way at work, giving not-nearly-as-much value to the affirmations and positive strokes of my colleagues as I do their expertise, commitment to meeting deadlines, problem-solving, and collaboratively working through a challenge. I am a woman for whom words are critically important. Most of my days are spent with them: reading, writing, talking, listening. But much as I appreciate words, I value the people in my life for what they do and how they do it, not what they say.
What I value may not be what they value, however. Tapping into this as though he was reading my mind, marriage therapist Gary Chapman posits that there are five languages of love (you might enjoy taking the fun on-line assessment of your own "love language"). His five categories of how we best receive and express love are:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Another way to assess your particular favorite is to note what you yourself do to express love, what you complain most about when you don't get it, and what you ask for most in your relationships. Given how I described myself earlier, it won't surprise you to know that my two high scores, Quality Time and Acts of Service, suggest that I like people who show not just say. I'm a hugger and Physical Touch was right up there, too. The truth is that, by process of elimination, I could rank the five languages pretty well without the assessment too and I suspect you can, as well, but it's fun to take and read about.
This concept is important both at work and at home — "it's all life" after all — because not everyone values the same things, not everyone expresses and receives love and validation the same way. While I love gifts as memorable expressions of regard, for instance, they rank the lowest on my list. Someone who jumps in to help me with fixing a broken door jam or takes over the formatting of a final proposal? Those are the people I really appreciate. If I work around someone who ranks Words of Affirmation as very important to them and I forget to praise them openly or tell them how much I value them, some crucial opportunity is missed. If I fail to bring little gifts to the people who rank Receiving Gifts first, our relationship might suffer. Attending to these concerns helps me ask more clearly for what I want and to make sure I'm looking for ways to support others in my life.
